Time to Get My Culture On

So I don’t lead a very exciting life. I’m working on getting out more and doing activities, but right now the most I do is leave my house to get food or play D&D.
I’m perfectly okay with this of course, but I’d love to start getting more culture back into my life. There was once a time where I was able to go to the museum when new collections arrived and I’d love to start doing that again. In fact I really need to see what they have going on now…. Columbia Museum of Art
Beyond art I have other things that I know I need to do to keep my mind stimulated. My life is about to get busy and it has started to make me panic. I don’t do busy well, I don’t do plans well. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, but that obviously isn’t working out for me now is it?!

It has been about a month since I wrote this. Good news is, I actually did go to the Museum recently. It was nice. I also had Brunch with friends and walked around the Farmer’s Market. I’m hoping that we make this a regular thing. Just going out to do things outside of the house, but also that aren’t all about D&D.
I still have some great plans for 2018 and upcoming posts, but I wanted to revisit this post that I had started to say that I am at least already making progress in my life. Or at least in this aspect of my life. Eventually things will have to shift again, change is inevitable, but at least I can try to shape and mold the way things change. I hope.

So that is all for now. Just a short post to say that things are getting better. Slowly, but still better.

NaNoWriMo 2017

In my last post I talked about how I was going to commit. I was really going to get things done. I didn’t. I don’t even think I made it past that post. Then I disappeared- which is common for me, for those of you that don’t know me personally.

My disappearing isn’t the reason I’m writing here though. So I’m not going to bother getting into it. I honestly don’t know the reason that I’m writing here. I haven’t figured it out, even though I’ve already started writing….

I guess I will just jump back in after my break at full speed. NaNoWriMo starts on the first of November. I was going to participate, then I wasn’t, now I think I am. I haven’t really been working on any kind of novel. I’ve been focusing more on poetry, when I actually spent any time writing that is. I do want to participate though. I just have to figure out exactly what project I want to work on.

I’ve got two ideas in my head you see. One that would be something anyone who knows me would easily expect me to write. It follows along the lines of my personality and would shock no one that it is more Sci-Fi than anything. The other though, it would be more general. No Fantasy. No Sci-Fi. Something that is a bit less expected.

I have no idea which route I want to go, but will attempt to write a bit of both and see what one really speaks to me. And I’ll go with whatever one pulls me more. And the other will just have to wait until next year I guess!

I’m worried about trying to write either one of them as I usually get frustrated with myself quickly when I’m trying to write a novel, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. I know that I’ve got it in me somewhere to write something that is more than poetry. So I just have to keep at it.

That is how life is right? Just keep trying? My depressive episodes of my Bipolar are more consistent these days and I have a hard time getting myself out of bed for work in the morning (which is sad because I work from home). I have a hard time doing anything to be fair, but when my brief Manic episodes kick in I’m really able to get things done. That is just how it is with Biploar, but I’m trying to still get work done even when I don’t feel like I can. Today is one of those days. All I want to do right now is get under a blanket and hide for the day, but I can’t, because I have responsibilities and I have things that must be done, bills that must be paid. I’m lucky that I do work from home because I’m not sure that I could get up and go to a brick & mortar job like many people do. I applaud anyone that works like that, because I can’t.

But no one wants to hear about that. Or so my brain tells me, so I’m going to try to push through it even though I know it will never end or go away. I’m going to try to keep trying.

That is all I have for today. If you use the NaNoWriMo website let me know, we can be buddies. Maybe you could be the difference in my motivation! Good luck to anyone who is participating.

Hamilton

I have been binge listening to Hamilton for several weeks now. This isn’t the first time I’ve listened to it, nor is it the first time I’ve binge listened to it, but for some reason something has really struck a chord with me on this round of binging. There is a line that comes up in several songs “Why do you write like you are running out of time?” and it hit me this morning while I was listening to the soundtrack at work- Why am I not writing like I’m running out of time? I would think that is something I should want to do, always. I do remember a time when this was the case, but for some reason I have lost it. It isn’t like I’m uninterested, or that I lack the passion. I have it. I also have depressive episodes, so it makes things harder to accomplish.
I’ve talked about this before, several times as some of you might be aware. I’m not sure how to always how to keep pushing through these kinds of things, but I am trying either way. What better way then immersion. I’ve spent several weeks doing nothing. I think it was even less than nothing if that is possible, which having lived my life for the last two weeks I know for a fact that it is, but I guess at least the end result is this, me sitting here and writing this instead of continuing to binge watch a show I’ve seen before on Netflix or spending 8 hours a day playing WoW.
Life has a way of getting away with me sometimes. I let so much of what is going on in my head dictate what my life is doing, and not in a good way. I realize that most people don’t know when I’m doing poorly. Instead of taking the time off when I need to get my mind straight I keep up appearances. I go to work and do my job and by the end of the day I’ve spent all my energy for the next week. When I’m out of work it is impossible to get that energy back, no matter how little I do. I could lay in bed and watch Netflix until the moment I’m out of work until I go to bed and guess what? I’m still not recharged when the day starts over again the next day.
I need to start taking better care of myself. I’ve heard so much from so many people about self care, and I know that is going to be different for everyone, but part of my self care involves writing. So I need to be more conscious of what I’m doing or not doing in order to keep and eye on myself and try to get myself into a good head space. There will obviously be times when this is impossible, I do have Bipolar after all, but at least being more mindful of what is going on with myself would be a good idea instead of always trying to ignore it in order to be a functioning adult, or just functioning in general. A few times in Therapy I was asked what I do when I have the kind of day where I just want to build a blanket fort and hide away all day. I didn’t even have to think about the answer. I get up and go to work because I’m required to push myself beyond my limits to pay my bills and to do what is right for my family. I’m going to try to be more aware of those days and maybe at least take it easier on myself. I’m not going to be able to change the fact that I have to get up and do what I’ve got to do, but I could at least be patient with myself while I’m trying to work my way through it.
All of this is circular thinking on my part. I’m talking about pushing myself to write, which is a way that I need to talk care of myself, but I’m also being hard on myself for not writing during a time when I know I should be easy on myself. I guess this just shows that I’ll never really be able to win this fight, but that isn’t really what I wanted to get out of writing this. What I want to be focusing on is taking care of myself. There will be days when I need to push myself in a good way, and there will be days that I need to stop beating myself up and just take it easy.
I want to assume that everyone goes through this kind of process with themselves, but I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one who doesn’t take the time or effort to take care of themselves in a proper way. So today I’m going slow, but I’m still going and that is what is important. For anyone else that is struggling like I am— be kind to yourself and take it slowly if you need it. Only push yourself when it is actually going to be helpful.
As for me: I’m going to try to get some work done this weekend!

writing

It’s a Tea Kind of Day

Today I had to have tea instead of coffee. This really has no major significance other then I’ve started my day with coffee for as long as I can remember. It has me thinking about how much can change with just one slight alteration in one’s life. So today I’m trying to be mindful of what is different then normal, my mood, my motivation, anything at all. Maybe I’ll be a tea person from now on because it changes my whole day? I’m not really sure. It isn’t likely, but really who knows?
Maybe tea isn’t going to change my whole life, but the thought still remains. What could one little change in my past do to alter my entire life? What change in the history of the US, or the world do to change our current time lines? I’ve thought about this a lot recently when trying to process some stuff that happened to myself and some friends back in the day. Like if I changed one thing about the situation, what would have been different?
Dangerous lines to go down, I do realize this. The past is just that, the past, and it can not be changed, no matter how much we’d like for that to be the truth. That is, until time machines are a real thing, in which case I have a few ideas for alterations for my personal life and for that of the US and the world. I might not be a high ranking official, but I’ve got a pretty good idea on a few things that could lead us into a better life then we have now. Also- I want to be selfish for once and change some of the bad decisions I’ve made. Who wouldn’t want that?
Do you ever find yourself wondering about these things? I do it a lot. I try to incorporate that into my writing, because the choices I’ve made are what shaped me into who I am. I can’t help but wonder who I would be if things were different. It also makes me hyper focused on the decisions I make now and what the results may end up being, because I have a feeling my future self might be analyzing these moments to see where I went wrong just like I do now with my past decisions.
This is quite the rabbit hole I get myself in. You make so many decisions in your life, how do you know what ones really got you where you are? It could be something so little as what you wore that day that ended up with you on spouse number 3 10 years later. You don’t know, I don’t know. It could be anything, couldn’t it? Maybe my tea isn’t what changes my life, but maybe it is.
All I know is I currently miss the kick of my coffee. Tea is great, but it is not something that I can add espresso too and even drinking it black doesn’t make it feel strong enough, but it is yummy. So who knows, maybe I’ll get used to it!

Brief Thoughts

With all the crazy crap happening right now I wasn’t going to write anything yet. I need time for my mind to calm down and to be able to put thoughts together coherently, but then I thought, if I don’t talk about this then that makes me complacent and right now, complacency is not the route to go. I’ll keep this post short, and I don’t care if you don’t agree with me, I’m going to say this anyway.
What happened in Charlottesville is wrong. Am I surprised? Hell no. It isn’t like incidents like this are new. It isn’t like this vile hatred and racism is new. If you are shocked or saying this isn’t America then you, my friend, haven’t been paying attention. Open your eyes and look around you. Racism and violence against minorities has never gone away. Ever. Don’t try to tell me it has. It is disgusting and the fact that we are giving these (call them what they are people!) Nazis a platform to spread their hate is more disgusting.
We need to resist. We need to speak up and take action. I don’t care how small you think you are and if you think you can’t make a difference. You can. You will. Do something!

If you don’t know how to help, ask someone. I’m sure there are a million people around you who can tell you one way that you can help. Just do it. I can’t really stress it enough.
I’m not going to go further with this post. There is so much more I want to say, but like I mentioned in the start of this post, my thoughts are not coherent right now. I will writing something much more in depth in the future. For now, I just want to say this RESIST.
I will leave you with a video, and I will warn you in advance, this is rated E- for explicit, but it sums up my feelings a bit.

Dog Things

I’ve wanted to write something about this for awhile, but never have. This subject has nothing to do with writing, books, or anything even remotely related, but it is important to me.

I have this wonderfully amazing dog. Her name is Idris. She is a Pit Bull- German Shepard mix and we adopted her from our local Animal Shelter about 4 years ago. Before the Animal Shelter she was a stray and when we adopted her she was about six months old, she had no training and had never (as far as anyone could tell) had an owner.

Idris took a bit of time to adjust to having humans. She nipped and played too rough. She chased the cats so badly some of them would try to climb the curtains, but with time she became better. She even now knows that the word “Ow” means she stops what she is doing immediately and calms down- even if she wasn’t playing with you roughly.

All of the things that Idris did that made it difficult for us she grew out of. At least most of the things. She does still bark and growl if someone comes to the house, but to be honest, I’d rather have her do that then ignore it when strangers come by, I don’t exactly live in the greatest of neighborhoods.

There is one thing though that no matter what we’ve tried, she just can’t get over.

Idris is horrible on her leash. Not in a she pulls too hard kind of way (I mean she does, she is super strong, but that isn’t much of an issue). Idris has days where if anyone comes near us, she will bark and growl and act a fool- and if they have a dog, forget it. Some people call this ‘leash aggressive’ and I won’t deny that when she acts like this, that is what she is being, aggressive, but I also know that if the person or dog were to actually take the time to come see her and let her get close she wouldn’t be aggressive, she would put her tail between her legs and hide behind me.

So I guess, the whole reason I want to write this is not because I want people to walk up to a dog that is barking or lunging at them. No, that’d be silly (don’t do it), but what I want is for you to understand that just because a dog does this doesn’t mean they are actually an aggressive dog. Idris would never hurt anyone unless she thought they were hurting me, and even then it’d have to be obvious they were trying to harm me.

I see the looks Idris gets when I walk her, even when she doesn’t act up. I know what people are thinking about her, and about me and it hurts me to think that anyone could look at my baby and think she is vicious. Yes, I get it, she isn’t putting her best foot forward on the days that she acts like this (which is not every time I walk her, it is actually getting to be more and more rare). Even when she is the best behaved dog, people see her and see what breed she is, or maybe they’d seen us before on one of her bad days and now that is all they think of when they look at her.

I’m not asking for anyone to look at a dog that is being aggressive and assume they are the sweetest baby. What I’m asking is that you remember that they are someone’s loved pet, and yeah, they’ve got some issues, but as owners we do try our best to limit these instances but even a leash aggressive dog needs to be walked.

I usually walk Idris super early in the morning or just before dark at night because I know that is when there aren’t many people out, but every now and again there is, and on one of her bad days she’ll do what she does. I can’t help it. It is just a part of who she is. Sure I bet one of those more aggressive types of training could work it out of her, but I don’t agree with their methods. I have tried every humane way I can think of to help her, but she is after all an animal, and she is going to go with her animal instincts.

I’m not looking for training tips, or advise. It’s cool if you think you know far more than I do and want to give me some super amazing advise, but you don’t know me, or my dog and I’ve tried damn near everything already, so kindly, if you are reading this, keep your advise to yourself. I appreciate the thought, but I don’t want it. I haven’t given up trying to help Idris, this is a long process and it isn’t going to work right away, but she is getting better so I’m at least on to something.

What I want out of all this is some understanding. I want you to think twice next time you see a dog that isn’t perfectly behaved and know that the owner is probably trying everything they can to help their dog feel more comfortable on walks, but this process is trial and error. Know that the owner, is so embarrassed that their dog acts like this and they wish more than anything that everyone else could see their beloved pet in the way that they do. A little bit of understanding goes a long way. Even a knowing nod when you see them notice you down the road and turn down the first side road they can see.

And while this isn’t an advertisement, the more people that know about The Yellow Dog Project the better. This is so important for people with dogs like me, and it is a great way to let your neighbors know that your dog needs special care when out and about, for various reasons, and that just coming up to them isn’t always a good idea. You should always ask someone before approaching their dog no matter what, but this way you know it is an extra good idea to do so.

 

screen-shot-2016-09-23-at-2-22-20-pm

 

My life consists of D&D now

zbsy3rp

I’m in a really odd place in my life right now. I’ve just started playing D&D, a lot. I would say on average I play 3-4 days a week in a mixture of Homebrew and Adventurers League. With my anxiety medication actually working it makes it easier to go out and be semi social, even if I am pretending to be someone else while I’m there.

This is great for me on many levels. A big one being I’m actually getting out of my house, and for those of you who don’t know me, that doesn’t happen often. It is also fuel for my imagination, which is always helpful considering my imagination is what keeps me going most days.

All is not great though. I have noticed, with my new schedule that I’m missing out on a lot of things. Sleep being a big one, but my writing is also suffering. I am still working on figuring out a way to fit it all in, but I’m getting there. I’m forcing myself to get up in the morning, which currently is hit or miss for me as mornings are not my favorite thing, but hey, at least I’m trying right!

I won’t be successfully completing Camp NaNo this month, but that’s okay. What this non-writing time has provided to me is a ton of ideas and an almost endless supply of even more ideas. That to me, is far more important. The words will come eventually, I don’t have to rush them. I don’t have any kind of deadlines anyway. Writing is just what I love, I don’t have to rush for anyone. I write for myself.

That is all for now. Maybe I’ll have something more thought provoking next week.