Some days I sit and wonder if I am trying to accomplish so much that I actually end up getting nothing done. Should I focus on one passion and ignore the rest? I’m not sure how to balance the whole thing and it is driving me crazy. I see parents with full time jobs getting so much done and I’m over here trying to figure out how to fit in D&D and WoW time around working out, writing, and reading (among other things).
  I’m not here trying to complain about my “busy” schedule. I’m fascinated by the idea that there has to be a better way to get things done, to accomplish everything in a day that I want to do. If I’m looking for a better way, maybe someone else is too? So that is what I’m doing here. I’m going to try to look for a better way, and maybe even figure out how to stop myself from procrastinating so badly.
  Like I do most any time that I have a question that I am unsure I’m able to answer on my own- I took to Twitter and asked some of my friends how they accomplish everything on their daily to-do list. The responses were mixed. This was not unexpected. That was part of the reason I asked in the first place. I wanted to get different ideas of how people were able to do something that I’ve been struggling with for years. (Some background on me: I never struggled with this as a kid. I was not a procrastinator and I did not like to leave things unfinished. This is a newer development in my adult life.)
  One friend told me that they don’t rely on to-do lists unless they have a deadline for something. I think that is amazing and I wish that I could allow myself to be that way.
  Another friend suggested just prioritizing her tasks to get what needs to be done completed. She also mentions that she often does not complete her entire to-do list. This way is most similar to my own.
  My first post this year, or possibly the last one of 2017 included a BuJo template. I used it for about the first week of January before I had to stop. Digital just wasn’t working for me in that format. I used a physical one the year before and it worked okay, but I didn’t enjoy the amount of time it took for me to put everything together. I also began to hate it because I’m not artistic so all my pages looked boring and like crap.
  Currently I’m just working of my calendar and wunderlist (to-do list app) and it seems to be going okay. I’m sure there are much better ways to get things done efficiently, but this is what is currently sort of working for me.
  My to-do list gives me anxiety most days. I know I have more on there than I will ever reasonably be able to finish. I was cursed with the drive to do many things. All of them require time. I may not have a to-do list of repairs on my home, or children’s activities, but my tasks are important to me. The idea of not completing them every day kills me.
  So do I cut something out of my life? Do I sleep less and do activities more? Do I cut down the frequency of activities? Do I learn to stop procrastinating and just get things done- even though I know there is no way I can complete everything?
  I don’t know the right answer. I haven’t figured it out yet. I try to think of my life in High School where it seemed like my time management was all figured out. I try to remember what I did then that I’m not doing now? But it is impossible to compare. There were so many things I didn’t have to do back then, so many things I’d not learned to love yet. Also so many life changing events still to come that would shape me into the adult woman that I am today.
  I am sure that I will forever be in search of the right way to do things and the way to fit it all in. If you have suggestions, tips, tricks, etc comment, message me, tweet me. I’d love to hear them!
  And of course, as probably every post this year will end:

Promises, Promises

 I’ve hinted a bit lately on Twitter and in other posts that I was working on some exciting things. My plans are still in the works, but I felt at this point I should probably start putting it all out there and making it a reality. Everyone knows, once you tell someone your goals you are more likely to stick with them for fear of public failure. Or, at least that is how it works for me.
 There are so many things going on in my brain right now that it is actually difficult to get it all out and onto this screen without just becoming a jumbled mess of words that make sense to no one but myself, so stick with me here. I’m really trying.
 I have been working on plans for 2018. I’ve told myself that it has to be a better year than 2017. I honestly can’t handle any more bad, not like I’ve had the last year. Not at all if I can help it, but I realize that is probably not possible.
 In my planning I’ve decided a few things about myself and the direction that I want my life to take. I’ve already put some of my plan into motion already. That is, I’ve gotten approved to volunteer weekly at my local Public Library. It may not seem like much to some of you, but books are a huge part of my life. Without them I may not have made it this far into adulthood. I’m unsure I would have even survived adolescence. I start my actual volunteering in January due to some family events I have planned out of state, but I feel it is a great way to start the new year anyway.
 Beyond the Library I decided on a few other things. First being this is the year I finally put myself out there with my writing. And I mean really out there. So far I have a Patreon set up which I am officially putting out in the world for you all to view and hopefully it will really help.
 I have also decided this is the year to get myself into Freelancing. I know it won’t be easy. I know it is going to be hard as hell actually, but I’m determined and somehow I will figure it out and I will succeed. Even if it takes me all year. With that said, if anyone has suggestions or is looking for someone to guest blog- shoot me an email!
 Can there be more? Oh yes, of course there can. It is me after all and if there is one thing I do it is set up millions of goals for myself. Some days having an obsessive personality and Manic episodes can really get yourself into more than you expected. Today may end up being one of those days, but I won’t dwell on that, not yet anyway.
 I finally have an idea for a novel. One that I want more than anything to see finished. So this year I plan to write it. I’m starting my goal with just a first draft, but in reality I’d love to see myself editing a second or final draft by the end of the year. Or if I could have that part done by November for NaNoWriMo that’d be great. I would hate to have to work on a second project for a month while I’m still in the middle of the first one. Speaking of NaNoWriMo- another goal is to participate, and win, both Camp NaNos and NaNoWriMo (April, July, & November). I also hope to continue working on the poetry collection that I started a few months ago entitled “I’m Not Afraid of Dying” and has a large focus on the last year of my life recovering from the loss of my brother. Sure a major underlying theme is loss, but it isn’t all about death. It has been difficult to work on but I do hope to have a final draft of the Chapbook by the end of the year as well.
 This past year didn’t go well for me. I struggled to survive and was just barely able to do that. The one thing I did have that worked for me, when I used it, was my Bullet Journal. This year I decided to make a digital one so that I could save paper, update it wherever I am, not have to try and draw, and so I could share with others if they were interested in making a copy of it for themselves. It is basic and bare bones, but if you would like a copy of it, it is yours. I hope you are able to take the base and add into it all the things you need to keep yourself on track for the year. Do make sure you make a copy of it before you start trying to edit and make it your own. You will not be able to edit the Template, which is why you need a copy. 2018 BuJo Template
 I hope that everyone is as excited as I am for all the new things that you plan to do with your life and your new year. I am forever trying to improve myself, live as my truest self, and to just be happy (that one can be difficult with Type 2 Bipolar).
 As always I love comments, emails, Tweets, whatever form of communication you want so keep it coming!

Time to Get My Culture On

So I don’t lead a very exciting life. I’m working on getting out more and doing activities, but right now the most I do is leave my house to get food or play D&D.
I’m perfectly okay with this of course, but I’d love to start getting more culture back into my life. There was once a time where I was able to go to the museum when new collections arrived and I’d love to start doing that again. In fact I really need to see what they have going on now…. Columbia Museum of Art
Beyond art I have other things that I know I need to do to keep my mind stimulated. My life is about to get busy and it has started to make me panic. I don’t do busy well, I don’t do plans well. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, but that obviously isn’t working out for me now is it?!

It has been about a month since I wrote this. Good news is, I actually did go to the Museum recently. It was nice. I also had Brunch with friends and walked around the Farmer’s Market. I’m hoping that we make this a regular thing. Just going out to do things outside of the house, but also that aren’t all about D&D.
I still have some great plans for 2018 and upcoming posts, but I wanted to revisit this post that I had started to say that I am at least already making progress in my life. Or at least in this aspect of my life. Eventually things will have to shift again, change is inevitable, but at least I can try to shape and mold the way things change. I hope.

So that is all for now. Just a short post to say that things are getting better. Slowly, but still better.

I did it again….

I have a nasty habit of setting a goal for myself and once it is set and the intention is out there I just ignore it. It is something about myself that I’ve been working on most of my life. As I’m sure you can guess it hasn’t worked out well for me yet, but I will keep trying. This is what has happened with this years NaNoWriMo goals. Actually, it has happened with a lot of my recent goals for myself, but that isn’t something that I’m ready to get into.

Let’s talk about NaNo….

I made the goal to write for the month of November. 50,000 words in one month is quite a goal, but not unrealistic. I’ve done it before, so there is no reason I couldn’t do it again! Alas, what actually happened was nothing. I didn’t even log in once to participate. Not once.

As it stands right now I’ll have to go to my NaNo dashboard and erase the million emails I have there from November and that’ll be the first time since I wrote my original 2017 NaNo post that I’ve been there. It is sad that this happened, but it did and I just have to be okay with it.

My writing has suffered recently. Not just NaNo, but in general. A lot of my life has suffered. I’m working on getting out of this funk, but in reality it has always been this way and I doubt anything is ever going to change it. I just have to continue to remind myself that writing, in all the forms that I love, is what I am supposed to do.

I don’t know how to get where I want to be, but I really hope to work towards a real goal for 2018 with my writing in one way or another. There are so many ways to get there, to be a “real writer”. I want to be paid to do what I love, not just work every day to pay the bills so I can have no energy after the day is done to do what I actually enjoy. That is not a life that I want to lead, but it is the life that I have right now.

Any suggestions on freelancing or how to break into finding places to pay me to write I’m all ears. I can do most anything, if I put my mind to it I know. Any one can. I guess I just have to try harder.

I realize that I really only talk about two things in this blog, writing and mental illness. I am planning on changing that in 2018 as well. There is so much more to me than just those two things. I have so much more to tell you and share with you, so I hope that you do keep an eye out. There is so much more of me to come.

Eventually I’ll have a post, probably closer to the end of December when I’ll have time off, that I can really express where I want to see my blog going for 2018 and what I am trying to set as goals for myself so maybe you all can hold me accountable since I obviously can’t do it myself. For now, this will have to do.

I hope you stick around. I hope you are as excited to kick this crappy year out and try to make 2018 a better one- even though there are things out of our control that are scary and unsettling.

I will be back soon, and I’ll have so much more to show you.

NaNoWriMo 2017

In my last post I talked about how I was going to commit. I was really going to get things done. I didn’t. I don’t even think I made it past that post. Then I disappeared- which is common for me, for those of you that don’t know me personally.

My disappearing isn’t the reason I’m writing here though. So I’m not going to bother getting into it. I honestly don’t know the reason that I’m writing here. I haven’t figured it out, even though I’ve already started writing….

I guess I will just jump back in after my break at full speed. NaNoWriMo starts on the first of November. I was going to participate, then I wasn’t, now I think I am. I haven’t really been working on any kind of novel. I’ve been focusing more on poetry, when I actually spent any time writing that is. I do want to participate though. I just have to figure out exactly what project I want to work on.

I’ve got two ideas in my head you see. One that would be something anyone who knows me would easily expect me to write. It follows along the lines of my personality and would shock no one that it is more Sci-Fi than anything. The other though, it would be more general. No Fantasy. No Sci-Fi. Something that is a bit less expected.

I have no idea which route I want to go, but will attempt to write a bit of both and see what one really speaks to me. And I’ll go with whatever one pulls me more. And the other will just have to wait until next year I guess!

I’m worried about trying to write either one of them as I usually get frustrated with myself quickly when I’m trying to write a novel, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying. I know that I’ve got it in me somewhere to write something that is more than poetry. So I just have to keep at it.

That is how life is right? Just keep trying? My depressive episodes of my Bipolar are more consistent these days and I have a hard time getting myself out of bed for work in the morning (which is sad because I work from home). I have a hard time doing anything to be fair, but when my brief Manic episodes kick in I’m really able to get things done. That is just how it is with Biploar, but I’m trying to still get work done even when I don’t feel like I can. Today is one of those days. All I want to do right now is get under a blanket and hide for the day, but I can’t, because I have responsibilities and I have things that must be done, bills that must be paid. I’m lucky that I do work from home because I’m not sure that I could get up and go to a brick & mortar job like many people do. I applaud anyone that works like that, because I can’t.

But no one wants to hear about that. Or so my brain tells me, so I’m going to try to push through it even though I know it will never end or go away. I’m going to try to keep trying.

That is all I have for today. If you use the NaNoWriMo website let me know, we can be buddies. Maybe you could be the difference in my motivation! Good luck to anyone who is participating.


I have been binge listening to Hamilton for several weeks now. This isn’t the first time I’ve listened to it, nor is it the first time I’ve binge listened to it, but for some reason something has really struck a chord with me on this round of binging. There is a line that comes up in several songs “Why do you write like you are running out of time?” and it hit me this morning while I was listening to the soundtrack at work- Why am I not writing like I’m running out of time? I would think that is something I should want to do, always. I do remember a time when this was the case, but for some reason I have lost it. It isn’t like I’m uninterested, or that I lack the passion. I have it. I also have depressive episodes, so it makes things harder to accomplish.
I’ve talked about this before, several times as some of you might be aware. I’m not sure how to always how to keep pushing through these kinds of things, but I am trying either way. What better way then immersion. I’ve spent several weeks doing nothing. I think it was even less than nothing if that is possible, which having lived my life for the last two weeks I know for a fact that it is, but I guess at least the end result is this, me sitting here and writing this instead of continuing to binge watch a show I’ve seen before on Netflix or spending 8 hours a day playing WoW.
Life has a way of getting away with me sometimes. I let so much of what is going on in my head dictate what my life is doing, and not in a good way. I realize that most people don’t know when I’m doing poorly. Instead of taking the time off when I need to get my mind straight I keep up appearances. I go to work and do my job and by the end of the day I’ve spent all my energy for the next week. When I’m out of work it is impossible to get that energy back, no matter how little I do. I could lay in bed and watch Netflix until the moment I’m out of work until I go to bed and guess what? I’m still not recharged when the day starts over again the next day.
I need to start taking better care of myself. I’ve heard so much from so many people about self care, and I know that is going to be different for everyone, but part of my self care involves writing. So I need to be more conscious of what I’m doing or not doing in order to keep and eye on myself and try to get myself into a good head space. There will obviously be times when this is impossible, I do have Bipolar after all, but at least being more mindful of what is going on with myself would be a good idea instead of always trying to ignore it in order to be a functioning adult, or just functioning in general. A few times in Therapy I was asked what I do when I have the kind of day where I just want to build a blanket fort and hide away all day. I didn’t even have to think about the answer. I get up and go to work because I’m required to push myself beyond my limits to pay my bills and to do what is right for my family. I’m going to try to be more aware of those days and maybe at least take it easier on myself. I’m not going to be able to change the fact that I have to get up and do what I’ve got to do, but I could at least be patient with myself while I’m trying to work my way through it.
All of this is circular thinking on my part. I’m talking about pushing myself to write, which is a way that I need to talk care of myself, but I’m also being hard on myself for not writing during a time when I know I should be easy on myself. I guess this just shows that I’ll never really be able to win this fight, but that isn’t really what I wanted to get out of writing this. What I want to be focusing on is taking care of myself. There will be days when I need to push myself in a good way, and there will be days that I need to stop beating myself up and just take it easy.
I want to assume that everyone goes through this kind of process with themselves, but I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one who doesn’t take the time or effort to take care of themselves in a proper way. So today I’m going slow, but I’m still going and that is what is important. For anyone else that is struggling like I am— be kind to yourself and take it slowly if you need it. Only push yourself when it is actually going to be helpful.
As for me: I’m going to try to get some work done this weekend!


Let’s Talk Poetry

I love poetry, it is one of my favorite things to read. Give me classic poets or contemporary or anything in between I love them. I’ve been trying to read more poetry lately because I’ve had myself so far into novel land I’ve gotten out of the habit. I have a way to resolve this though! There are various places you can go to read a poem a day, but I’m a fairly busy woman, so why not have them sent to me, instead of me trying to find them?
Yes, I have a newsletter that sends me a poem a day, a podcast that reads me a poem and day, and if that weren’t enough, I have a tumblr that I follow that provides a poem a day. Sure that is a bit lazy, but it allows me to be surprised every day by what I get to read and hear. I could easily grab a book of poetry from my shelf and pick a poem, but that eliminates the chance to find new poetry that I haven’t been exposed to. I’ll add the links so if you are interested you can see what I see every day.
Exposure to new poetry is important to me. It should be important to everyone in my opinion. I’m sure there are studies that say the same thing. Instead I will include an article about poetry with the other links at the bottom of this post. I feel that everyone should be exposed to poetry, but this is more true for children. I remember some of the first poetry I ever heard as a child and I was instantly obsessed. Maybe I’m biased because I hope that the more children who read and fall in love with poetry like I did will increase my chances of having my poetry read long after I die. I know that isn’t likely, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy if it did happen. Though I’ll never be anywhere in the same ball park as Sylvia Plath or Emily Dickinson, but a woman can dream.
So why is poetry so important to me? Reading poetry took me away from everything that was happening in my life. Writing poetry gave me an outlet for the emotions that I was feeling. I was never comfortable sharing my feelings with others, and I’m still not. That is just who I am, but when I write poetry- I let my emotions bleed into my words, just like so many others before me have. The ability to let people feel what I’m feeling, or at least have a glimpse of my mind- that is something I wish more people could have, or do. So yeah, poetry is important to me.
This post took me two weeks to write. Why? Because I’ve been struggling to do anything. And today I’m going to write about it. So maybe you’ll get to see that glimpse in the future.