A Letter to my Younger Self….

Tash-

I wish I could tell you all the things that I’ve learned in life so far. I want to save you so much heartache and pain. Alas, that isn’t something that can be done, but wouldn’t it be nice if it could? I know you’ll never get this letter, it just isn’t possible, at least in this life time, for that to happen. That doesn’t make the act of writing this less therapeutic for me. Maybe I need this, to say these things to a younger version of me so that maybe I can understand, now, or in the future, why I am where I am in my life and where the decisions that you’ve made lead us.
I’m not blaming you for anything. Given the chance I’m sure I’d repeat the same decisions, mistakes, and successes. I’m not sure my life could have ended up any other way that it has, no matter what I tried to do at your age, or what I try to do now at mine. It is my life, and I’m just along for the ride.
Before I really get into it, there are a few things I’d like to tell you:
1. You are amazing, intelligent and strong.
2. Don’t ever stop writing or reading
3. You deserve so much more than you give yourself credit for
4. One day you will wish you hadn’t left, but it was one of the best decisions you’ve ever made
5. It is all worth it, even when you are depressed or manic, you’ll find that one thing to hold on to that makes it all worth trying
So, for the true purpose of this letter to my younger self…
You’ll never have children. I wish I could have known sooner. I mean really known, and accepted it. Sure, the Doctor told you that it probably wasn’t going to happen, but you didn’t always believe him. You’ve gone through cycles of being okay, and even feeling like not having children was your choice, even though deep down you know it is just a way to cover up. You didn’t accept what they told you, and instead would often let yourself believe it was going to happen. I can tell you, at this point in our life, there is no wondering, no hopeful tries. It isn’t going to happen. It needs to be accepted, and I guess in a way that is what I’m trying to do here.
I don’t want this to all be a downer, there are things that can keep you going when times get rough. You have amazing nieces and a nephew who stole your heart at first glance. The moment you see them, you’ll know that having your own children isn’t the end of the world because you have these beautiful beings in your life and they are all you need. They will be everything you ever dreamed up for your own children and you will love them fiercely. They will make everything worth it.
There are, of course, the less dramatic reasons that not having children works for you:
1. You are basically an adult child yourself
2. Video Games
3. You hate to wake up in the morning, and hate being woken up even more
4. You have a dog that is your world, and see needs you
5. You can do many things that can’t be done if you have children (though still limited by above dog)
That is only a partial list, but you can see that the world isn’t ending. You are smarter than I am I’m sure and you will be just fine. One day you’ll look back at this letter and laugh that it even had to be written, but for me, right now, I needed this.

xoxo Tash

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