As usual I had other ideas about what I was going to write about today, but when I sat down to write none of those ideas spoke to me. So here I am, writing off the cuff as one might say. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write, until I just started to do it just now.
I’ve been struggling with my writing lately. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things. I know it is a part of the process and I’m trying to be okay with that. I don’t want to stop grieving for my Brother, because that is how I feel. I am sad. I am beyond sad and nothing is going to change that. At the same time, I hate when my sadness makes me unable to achieve my goals, and that is what is happening. So now I’m just getting mad at myself for being sad, but being sad is what I want to be. It is a fun cycle I have going on in my mind.
I’ve tried to break the cycle, at least with my writing. I’ve tried starting a new project since the current one held no draw for me. That didn’t work. I thought about past projects that maybe I could take a look at and breathe new life into. That didn’t work either. So I’ve gone back to the original project that I was working on and have started to edit the first 52 pages that I have written. It is sort of working. I get about a page done every day, not because I can’t do more, or because it takes me that long. Nope, it is because I can’t stand to look at my writing for more than 20 minutes.
I had the thought, briefly, that maybe I just wasn’t supposed to write any more, but I quickly was able to pull out my ‘Depression Lies’ list in my Bullet Journal to remind myself that isn’t true. I’m just depressed. So I will keep editing, maybe by the time I’m done I’ll feel like writing, maybe not. Maybe when I finish I’ll have to edit another project. I don’t know. What I do know is as long as I keep sitting down to try to write, edit, or whatever it is I do when I open up the document, then I am working towards my goal. Slowly, sure, but I’m still working towards it. I can’t do much more than that can I?
I think I might start reading On Writing again, it is one of my favorite books to inspire me to write, and re-motivate myself in general. I’m thinking that would be a step in the right direction to get myself back on track. And if that doesn’t work, that is fine. I’ve got plenty of projects that need to be edited. Even if that is all I do all year, at least I haven’t given up.