I have had a fairly off week this past week. I won’t lie, I’ve been having fairly off weeks since the end of December when my brother passed away, but I’ve been trying to get through them, some more successfully than others. I’ve even started thinking about my attempts at putting my life back together as all the attempts I made at quitting smoking. My life is going to be littered with failures until one day I wake up and refuse to fail again.
I don’t know if this is going to be that time or not. Probably not, but we will see. The struggle I’m having with trying to put everything together is that if I get my life into some form of normal, does that mean that I’m no longer supposed to be destroyed over losing my best friend? Am I now supposed to be “okay” or “all better”? Because that is exactly what it feels like is supposed to be happening if my life gets into some form of stable.
If there is one thing that I can guarantee to somebody, it is that I am not okay, nor am I all better. I am a mess, completely and utterly destroyed, so doesn’t that mean that I can’t allow my life to reflect otherwise? It’d be really nice if there were a guide to this kind of thing, but there isn’t, so I’m trying to work it all out on my own. On one hand I know that Matt would want me to do my best to be okay and to live my life, but on the other I am so sad and not okay that trying to put any kind of normal into my life feels like a betrayal.
This post has gotten far more personal than I intended, and really fast. It is hard not to when I start talking about my brother, any of my brothers really, they are all very important to me and when you have (had?) five of them, they tend to take up a lot of your time. But let me try to get back to my point….
After several weeks of some okay days, and some not okay days I actually had a good day. My husband Jason is out of town for work this weekend. Normally when he is out of town I struggle more with my depression because I don’t have my other half here to tell me things are okay and give me a cuddle when I need it. This weekend I decided to try to have one day where I was productive and did new things, even if it meant trying to deal with my anxiety and go into crowds of people.
I was successful. Yesterday I woke up early and went to a local coffee shop for my coffee with several shots of espresso and promptly headed out to the local Farmer’s Market. I got there early thinking that I might have less people to deal with, but I was wrong, very wrong. It wasn’t as bad as I thought though. I walked around to a few tables and picked up a lovely soy candle, some soap for my husband, Patchouli essential oils that remind me of my brother’s smell, and a whole box of fresh fruits and veggies (all you can fit in the box for $10!!). I could have stayed longer, and I probably should have, or gone to my favorite Vegan restaurant in Columbia, but I didn’t. That is okay though, I did so many other things as well.
Up to this point would have been considered successful for me, but still I did more. I went home for a brief moment to put my fruit and veggies away and then headed out to see if I could find anything at Goodwill. Before getting to Goodwill I decided to swing through and get my car washed, as she really needed it, then headed off to the store. I didn’t find anything there, or Ross either, but that is okay because I left at first feeling like the reason I didn’t find anything was because of me, but quickly was able to turn those thoughts around realize that I was trying to shop in areas of the city that might not follow my specific style needs, and maybe next time I should go somewhere that I know they might sell things in my style. Once done at those stores I hit up Whole Foods to finish off my food shopping.
After getting home from there I gave my dog Idris a bath, because like my car, she really needed it. And started washing my bedding. Once that was started I packed up my now dry dog and took her to the Riverwalk for a nice walk. She had lots of fun, as did I. I hope to make this a more regular trip for us in the future.
That was more or less where my day ended, other than finishing laundry, cooking a yummy dinner and doing some work on my computer while watching Anime. All in all it was the best Saturday I’ve had since December 30th, 2016. It showed me that I can enjoy my day, but still be grieving for my brother and still not feel okay.
So here is to more days that work for me in the future. Fingers crossed.